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LA DOULEUR EXQUISE

Meaning - The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable



I walk down the path towards the silent seas. The scar hasn't healed after all this time. The dusk accentuated my melancholia. The mellow sand winds wash away the hints of tears as I reached the shores of the beach. I drown myself in the mire of a sigh. The sands are soft like feathers. I wish the fate were so kind to me. I see from afar as she takes off leaving behind the corpse of her unrequited inamorato. The winds gust as if they wanted to carry me high in the skies to her but my affection for her anchored me to the ground. The heartaches. My insides roll in the thoughts of rejection.


She was not remarkable. Why would anyone like her?

The neurons with no mercy fire in a certain combination to recall from the archive of memories buried deep down flashing sequences of how I met you. Her hair was disheveled and she walked awkwardly. Her round expressive eyes peak perfectly over her petite nose that falls into her innocent plump lips which gape to a loud snorting laugh. She is ordinary. The infinite bickering, naughty tease, playful demeanor, lovable mistakes, and an undying spirit.


Why did my heart betray me? I was happy with what we had.


Why did my heart betray me? She was happy with what we had.


Why did my heart throb for someone who will never hear the beat of it?


The game of hearts is fatal. History has been a testament to disasters it brings with it. No longer she was ordinary. Her presence brought the light in my life I yearned to bask under for the rest of my life.


Before I could feel this wonderful emotion, I had to kill it. A grave sin had been committed. The sin to unconditionally love a person and continue to do so knowing that my love will never reach the place where my heart now belongs. A sin to love which must never happen. I had to be punished. I should never have done that. Fate has judged. The punishment fitting to my sin. To burn my living effigy in the fire of misery turning everything about me into dark ash of despair only for the winds to drift and sweep away for nothing to exist. The pain has never been this intense leaving a scar yet I could never do anything. It is not that I am not courageous. It is not that I have started to hate her. It is not that I have forgotten her. It is just that I am scared.

It scares me that she must feel uncomfortable because of me. It scares me that she will hate me for it.

The scar opens up and a crushing pain sears through the chest but she should not know it. I have to endure. I have to be selfish for our sake. I have to endure the pain of my wailing heart. The evening breeze brushes my skin as the shore waters soak my feet and return to the ocean. I wish the waters could also carry my unrequited love and get lost in the uncharted deep oceans where no one can ever find it. I stand up and look at the distant skies as she fades away and disappears leaving a scar I will cherish secretly without anyone knowing for it is my and only my own.

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